This weekend as you may or may not know, Kevin's grandfather passed away. He was a beloved father, husband, grandparent, brother, son, soldier and friend to all whom he met. He even let me hug him on his birthday a few years back when we first met (the sign of a good soul and confident man). Kevin was lucky enough to have seen him sleeping peacefully about 30 minutes before he passed and that blessing helped many of his family members to find peace this weekend.
This weekend has me thinking a lot about death and the way I'd like to go and how I'd like to be remembered and different coping strategies. Having no grandparents left myself, I tried to reflect back on those passings to see if there was anything that I could learn from or assist me to be empathetic to those I was with this weekend. Of the people that have passed in my family, one was abrupt and a shock and three were slow and drawn.
I'm not sure which is the best way to say goodbye also. Should you tell a child that their family member is sick and getting worse, and let them see their family member and say goodbye, or do you let them keep the memories they have already and let them say goodbye at a wake or funeral? Is it better to be shocked into grief or slowly accept your way into it? We were shocked by my grandfathers death and that was super hard, and we were not shocked by my Aunts death, and that was super hard also. I was able to say goodbye to both at the wake/funeral but both were really REALLY hard, probably cause they were so hard for my parents go get through too.
My grandmothers both passed really slowly (lung cancer or emphysema or something) and when the actually passed I was in college (or grad school) and I wasn't told it had happened til finals were over. I didn't say goodbye but I think because it was so slow I kinda knew it was happening and not having seen my parents upset helped me to let go easily also.
So I guess I wonder, is it better to be shocked or better to let go over time? Better to go to a wake/funeral or better to not have them. I don't know. I think also it depends on the age of the person, I know that some families feel like the funeral is important and other families feel like its something that the person who passed might not have wanted.
Its all very sad and dark but I guess where the faith comes into play and helps you to let go.
Monday, February 9, 2009
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3 comments:
I'm so sorry. Please let Kevin know he and his family are in our prayers.
I've been thinking about some of these issues lately myself. Having Molly has made me consider my mortality more seriously. Having lost my mom early, I always worry about dying young myself- and leaving Molly. And when I imagine it from her persepective- I don't know if slow or fast is better either. Slow is hard if you see the person you love in pain or distress for a long time. And fast can be hard if you didn't have a chance to say goodbye. I guess if given the choice I would want a chance to say goodbye to those I love. And since a funeral is really for the people left behind, I'd just want whatever would give the most peace to my family. That said- I like the way the old Irish dealt with death. A huge party with stories of the person, celebrating their life. Toasting them, and having a good laugh and cry.
And I guess that's what I learned from my own experience, that I always try to do when someone I know loses a loved one. I just try to let them have a place to talk about that person. To talk about their memories, and not feel that because the person has died, that they can't still be part of their life and memories.
Hugs to you and Kevin.
Thanks Shan, I agree it should be a celebration and not a sad event, but I agree also that if you have a moment to say goodbye that is really important and helpful to the letting go.
Please send Kevin a hug. When my dad died, there were no words of comfort. I just wanted to be held, in silence. There is no easier way to deal with death. We are not meant to die, that is why is so hard. One day, death will exist no more. If you have a Bible, see Revelation 21: http://www.blueletterbible.org/Bible.cfm?b=Rev&c=21&v=1&t=KJV
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