So this weekend I turned the big 3-oh.. bleh. My one friend said 'It wasnt till I saw the 30 on your birthday cake that I realized this wasn't another 20-something birthday and we hadn't discussed your feelings on turning 30.' I love her for knowing that I have feelings on turning 30.. I love her even more for volunteering to listen to me talk about it. The real truth is, I haven't passed the first stage of emotional adjustment on this one, and I'm pretty sure I'm happy being at this stage..
(denial).
Its not denial in the 'i hate being 30 and I'm ashamed of being 30.. I'm actually totally awesome with other people being 30, and I'm not upset that I'm 30. Its more complete disbelief that I have been alive for 30 years and what things I had pictured for myself by now are not in my cards just yet.
I dont know if that makes any sense , and this is not a knock on all of the things I have accomplished in my (first) 30 years. I am very blessed by the lessons and goals and successes and failures that have passed me by in the past years.
Perhaps its just a matter of perspective. When I was in HS a guy-friend of mine and I made a pact that if we were both 25 and unmarried we'd marry each other. Perhaps we had no concept of what 25 was like in the real world or like a child who guesses his parents is significantly older/younger than their real age cuz they have no concept of age,,, maybe we were lost. We're now both 30 and neither of us are married or have any intent of marrying each other (although still good friends)
The mere concept of myself having lived for 30 years is unfathomable and frankly deniable... like maybe 20,, maybe 25 even, but 30 seems like a lot of time. Right?
shrug
8 comments:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR DANIELLE HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUU!! (you get a happy birthday song every time you mention your birthday!! lol) I think part of growing up must be realizing that what you thought you'd accomplish when you were younger isn't realistic and actually what you're accomplishing now. When you're younger, like you said your perspective is jaded, you see through the innocent eyes of a child and you see all these older people (or at least I used to) and think - I want to accomplish this and this and this, and when I'm that persons age I want to be doing this and this? And when I actually grew up and reached their age, I was all like "wow I didn't accomplish all that stuff I put weight on myself to accomplish" and so "what did I do wrong?" and then I realized every one of us are so uniquly different and thats what makes us so beautiful, so there is no way to say "I should be at this or that place by now in life" because each life makes those rules up as it lives, and if you don't allow yourself to live and make up the rules, then I don't think its living, and the person is not actually growing up! see makes sense right!? I know some people who haven't "accomplished" much according to societies idea of accomplishment, and they are some of the most fun and alive people I know. So while I think its great to know what you want, I also think its great to let go of adding up your life and just Enjoy!!! Love ya!!!!
Totally Nikki, when I was 10 I wanted to grow up to become an 'ice cream scooper'.. I thought it was seriously the best job ever.
Little did I know that while my biceps could grow and ice cream is tasty,, my paycheck and retirement fund and hours of work might be less than ideal for the long term;)
hugs
D
Hitting 29 has me thinking. When you're young, 30 is old and you just assume you will have certain things accomplished by then. But with on year to go, what are the odds of accomplishing those things? Graduate - yes. Married - yes. Stable job - I think so. Kids - not yet. Savings - very little. Getting in shape - way off. Smarter than a fifth grader - no way. So with one year to go - where do I set my goals? And how will I feel when the 30 hits?
I dont know where you set your goals but your ahead of me, and a year behind in age so be excited and let things evolve the way they need to.
but I hear you, that's kinda where my blog was going....
d
Happy birthday Danielle. I was in Florida (ADA and family vacation), and the stupid hotel charged me 9.99/day for internet, which I refused to pay, so blogs were not read on my cell phone. Sorry I missed this post. I was going to say, go get your Bible and read eclesiastes 3. It was and always is a comfort for me. I'm 30 and in theory have a lot of the things on the list, but in really, as humans we always always want more, and there is always something we will wish for, something that will be next. If we would only realize the "next" thing on our list is what we are suppose to have, at the right time, if we put our trust in God, we don't have to worry... just enjoy the ride, the unexpected turns... the adreline of the journey. Time is so relative. love you (old) lady!
I love you Lucy Lu,, I havent read the passage yet, but I totally feel like I"m doing what God wants me to be doing and on his timetable not mine or those around me's timetable. And I love the ride (mostly!:)
D
I understand what your saying, but the truth is that we have no idea what 30 is like when we make those "goals" for ourselves! And while it's helpful to plan ahead, it's just as important to realize life just cant be planned. You are in GREAT shape for 30! And, if it makes you feel better - having a small "crisi" about this now is very healthy. I remember a psych class I took in college, and one of the big lessons in it was that people that question where they are, and what age changes mean are very healthy in fact having a mini crisis now makes the likely hood of a full blown midlife crisis in your 40-50's much LESS likely!! And more likely to be just a blip as opposed to a really heard time:)
So your doing just what your supposed to, your thinking things over. Keeping things in perspective - and learning what you want from this new time in your life. Bravo you.
And from a personal perspective: 30 rocks. I am having WAY more meaningful life moments in my 30's then I ever cme close to in my 20's. You couldn't pay me to turn back the clock:)
PS.I am a sucky cousin, I just put your present in the mail TODAY. Sorry!!
Shan your so sweet, First of all your not a sucky cousin, especially when you keep me with new desktops every few weeks of that beautiful girl of yours. (seriously need a fix you need to plan a trip soon!).
your totally right its all personal and everyone's timeline is based on themselves not their perceptions
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