So you think you can spit in my eye???

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can love me and leave me to die
Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here
-Lyrics from Bohemian Rhapsody- QUEEN!!

So if you know me, you know that I'm a very trusting person. I don't protect myself from the emotional hurt that sometimes occurs when other's don't value my trust or value my loyalty. I will easily pull a friend into the 'inner sactum' of my friendship-ness without much hesitation. I will give and give and give and as long as you enjoy being around me and I enjoy being around you it will go well for awhile.

But. When I turned 30 I realized that this was a particular lesson I had learned over and over and over again growing up. Just because I'm willing to share and give of myself does not mean necessarily that my new 'friend' is as willing. In fact what OFTEN happened (like at almost every stage and year of my life) was that I had created friendships that only worked when I was giving or when I was calling or making the effort. It only worked when I tried. Either my friends were too broken or depressed or negative or had 'complex families' or whatever they were unable to GIVE anything back.

So I would get hurt and devastated and I would build a higher barrier (which inevitably I'd forget about meeting a new person,,, although to be fair living in NYC make the barrier much stronger against random BS).

So when I turned 30 I realized that instead of seeking out friends who need my help, I should instead value the friend that I have that value what I value also. So as I was thinking about bridesmaids, I was thinking about all my friends and valuing those who were there for me when I needed them, and who I could be there for when they needed me. Those who had 'gone thru things with'.. and how lucky I am to have friends who really know me and like the real version of me, the one that needs to take sometimse and not just give.

So today I'd like to briefly talk about the unsaid.

What if you value someone as a friend and they don't value you. I've had this happen more than once in my life and everytime it hurts my feelings a bit more. Perhaps its because I'm too easy to trust, but when it comes to my inner circle there are very few people I put in there.

There are very few that I would call in an emergency, and as such there are very few that I would expect would call me. So when one of these friends' demonstrate to me that while I am a a friend, I'm not one iota near their inner circle,, that even though I've been there for them thru the thick and thin and good and bad for many years,, that they personally don't value that as much as I do.

Now my snarky thoughts were 'they value proximity more'... 'they value someone who won't ever need them back'... 'they vaue someone who will lie to their faces'.... 'they value someone who can afford every trip and weekend they want to go on'. 'they value someone with money'...

Those MAY be true, but more so I'm learning that they simply don't value the 'been there and will be there for you through the thick and thin' AS MUCH as me.

So the hurt exists... it cannot be denied and it will fade with time as does everything else.

But as Queen says sometimes you 'just gotta get out,, just gotta get right out of here'. And so I shall.... out of the inner sactum you go to a place where acquaintances and shallow-level conversations exist:).


And now, to leave you with a song that make this blog topic a thought in my brain (and yes I should have written it when I heard the song on Glee weeks ago but I slack,,my brain is too full remember?)