To decide or not to decide,, THAT is the Question...

Reconsider your thoughts??

So I'm not sure about you bloggies but I'm a pretty decisive person. I trust my instincts and I listen to my gut and when I feel uncomfortable or not happy with something I do my best to fix that before it 'spreads'.

ANYYYYYY WAYYY.. So sometimes I make my mind up about things and I have trouble imagining them any other way. I want things to be the way I want things to be and I don't very much like bending. Maybe because I'm a middle child and so I'm used to compromise,, maybe because I'm a Scorpio and I get worked up on my emotions and they drive the bus instead of my head.

SO I think part of growing up is allowing yourself to question your instincts.. or to allow you to take in more information than you thought you might need so that you can make the right decision or wiser choice.

I was not one of the lil girls who dreamed about her wedding, and frankly until I went to other friends' and family weddings I didnt even begin to grasp the things that I may want or dream of. Yes, bloggie friends I have seen enough of Bridezillas and Say Yes to the Dress and Cake boss to have FULLY impossible dreams and to understand their ridiculousness in the world.

So it wasn't till I was driving in to the rural subsections of our city this afternoon that I started to consider changing my options,, or ideas. Now clearly as I have not made a decision and am now waffling my thoughts, of course I'm not giving away any details.

I'm driving along and I'm thinking,, is this bit of minutiae detail that I thought was important really critical? If I give it up will that change the day tremendously or not at all? Then I start thinking about adding more things that I imagine on to the 'purge list' and then it starts to become something that I cant envision, a cloudy vision of what could be with what might not be ideal. It makes me nervous and I try to open my heart to the things that make me nervous (primarily because of this book I'm reading Women, Food and God which you'll hear about once i finish it). so I'm trying to allow myself to think outside my comfort zone.

But here is my point.. Is this growing up? Or is this giving in? When you have something you have thought might be the right thing for you, do you waffle that idea and do you feel any sadness when you realize that what you imagined is not really what is going to happen, and perhaps what will happen will be WAY better but different than you expected? Is sadness or awkwardness or moments of 'what next' are they what gets us to the more awesomeness or are they there to keep you from totally effing it all up?

I'm not sure, but I'm trying to find my way and I'm pretty sure even if I take my time figuring it all out,, I think it will come back to the right thing.. whatever that is going to be:)

I hope its awesome!
d

You gotta WANT it to Win IT!

Do you remember that cheer when you were a kid? We used to cheer for our softball teams and see which team could scream the loudest.. so fun but so silly.

So recently I've been learning a lot from my Biggest Loser, and one thing I keep hearing the trainers say is 'you have to WANT it'... and you watch as they lose tons of weight and work their tushes literally off. Then they were previewing for another week and they were showing how previous contestants gained the weight back.

So I guess that is part of the concern.

I have tried a few different diet/weight loss/exercise motivational 'stints' and some last longer than others, and I know I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to pick about because I've only been 'heavier than I would like' for about 5 years and there are many others who have been fighting with these frustrations, to those I wholeheartedly tip my hat. (although to be honest I look silly in hats).

ANYWAY...

I realized that the reason why some people succeed in weight loss or lifestyle changes is that they have this inner drive, some kind of push or switch that makes them not give up or get bored along the way.

The thing that can resist pizza or bagels.

The thing that says 'yeah I could go watch tv in my pajamas but I'd REALLY like to go to the gym first'.

I'm not sure how to get that thing,, and while I've made lists in the past of reasons why I want to lose weight both for me and for my health. I know the reasons, I've done the research, I've felt the joint pain and I've been frustrated with my exhaustion after walking up stairs. There are a TON of good reasons, and there is no question that is what I want.

But there must be some switch or some like 'thing' that clicks for those who lose weight and keep it off. I mean on the Biggest loser there is clearly a million dollar prize to push them to want it, and then after that they have hopefully learned enough along the way to do it for themselves.

Its frustrating because its not JUST 'eat right and exercise'.. its not as simple as those four words. I understand and comprehend that those two actions are what gets you to the goal, but the words are much easier said than followed, least of all maintained.

Its very frustrating and I hate that I self sabatoge my own goals, so that's what makes me thing that I must not "WANT IT' enough... that I may need some switch or drive or SOMETHING to push me over. but I don't want to wait till someone tells me I'm diabetic or I break a hip or knee or ya know? How to make the switch out of love for myself instead of fear for the worse...

A Simple? Procedure

Spoiler Alert/Warning- If your at all ick-ed out by bodily function topics or medical jargon in regards to a colonoscopy,,, please feel free to ex the box. I won't be upset. But if your like me and your nervous about procedures then maybe you stumbled on this blog and it ill help alleviate your nervousness.. And perhaps you'll laugh at my on personal story as ridiculous as it always is.


First off:
Things that I learned in the past two days that I wish I knew before the procedure.
1) The actual colonoscopy part you are under anesthesia so your asleep and feel and see and hear NOTHING. NADA. NIL.

2) The prescription they give you ahead of time for nausea.. can and SHOULD be used the day before while you are 'prepping' just to be safe from the vomitociousness.

3) Pink Lemonade Crystal Lite while still a fluid,, has red dyes so you should not use that. Go for the straight lemonade or another non-red/purple dyed one.

4) DO NOT NOT NOT Chug the Magnesium Citrate. I thought that just like shots or whatnot from my college days I could chug it and get it over with. Effective BUT later regretted it because it got all bubbly and carbonated and later returned from whence it came (not good).

5) When they tell you to make sure the stool runs clear,, they mean fluid only,,, not the colorless clear you may think. As long as there are no uh,,um,,, pieces... and its all fluid (cause you've been on a fluid only diet so thats expected).. clear means fluid only,,, you'll never get clear in color because of your stomach's natural enzymes so stop hoping for something impossible.( this caused me great duress).

6) I knew this but its good to restate-, when you begin the prep,, stay home. Your body will be doing things that are NOT going to make you happy outside your home and more than about 5 feet from your bathroom. Suggestions: Use DVR or pre-recorded shows.. so as not to get frustrated when you have to leave the room.


Okay... so now I will share how my Type A personality and my apparent vagus nerve response made my 'simple procedure' turned significantly ridiculous.

Prep: So first off I took the evening off and had purchased all the appropriate food and drink options for the day and even set my alarm clock on my cell phone to tell me when to take the pills and when to drink the bizness. (type a). I also worked VERY hard to push fluids to kinda 'help the system'. So approximately two hours after the bizness consumption (that I had chugged)... it came back with a venegance and not in the intended direction. So I got very upset and frustrated and worried that I'd have to repeat the process and be tortured that much longer.. or worse off, not be able to go to the procedure because I had failed the prep part. This is a typical concern of my Type A medical procedure self, I worry that I do something wrong and then I make the procedure worse or impossible or have to reschedule. I like clear directions. I also (erroneously) thought that the anti-nausea medication was for after the procedure and did not take it and was afraid of taking it during prep.... which made the nausea significantly worse and lasted longer.

Day of: Because I had upchucked the nite's before I was awaiting a call from the MD to make sure I was still okay to proceed. They told me to take more pills and not to come to the appointment till the stool was clear (as above you already know that I was fully freaking about making something happen that is not possible,, never going to be fully clear).

At the appointment, gave all the answers needed, asked if I could run a 5k on Saturday (and by run I mean walk AND run,,,but still), all is good they say I can. One last potty break and into the hospital bed I went. Commence putting an IV into my right hand. The woman did okay but then apparently reported to me that she may have to do it again, and so I turned briefly to look at my hand. Terrible. TERRIBLE idea.. I always look away when blood is being taken cause I think it makes me less worried about the pain, but in fact it is because I have what they call a vagal response . So one look and I started to get very light headed and dizzy and the last thing I remember saying was "I feel really bad". Well needless to say....


I blacked out... lost consciousness and when I awoke there were about 7 nurses and staff all around me poking and prodding and it was like I was in an episode of ER and worried about scapels and whatnot. (eek). I freaked, OBVIOUSLY. They told me to inhale the oxygen mask and exhale, and upon exhale I sat up and started retching. Of course since there was NOTHING in my body it was dry heaving but not at ALL the response you want to have before your going in.. So I continued to sweat profusely and they had to cool me down and slowly get my blood pressure up to a safe level. When I was 'cool' then they wheeled me to the room where the procedure would be done, as I was next to be seen.

In the exam room I met my nurses who were super great and my doctor who ROCKS. She asked me lots of questions and since she knew my family history and why a 30 year old was there, it made it much easier to get through. Eventually it was my turn and my IV (now on my L hand while my R hand began bruising from the initial poking) was connected to some lovely anasthesia. I put my head on the pillow and was out for I can't even tell you how long.

I woke up to the nurse seeing how I was doing.. (fine now). They gave me another cool towel on my head and helped me to sit up eventually. They gave me an apple juice and my mom came in to wait for results (and hear the ridiculousness that had happened thus far). I went to the bathroom but as I reached for my clothes to pull on I got lightheaded again and this time just vomited all the apple juice I had just consumed. In short order. Rapid fire. Not good. So back they laid me down and more waiting while baby D got her head on straight (not fun). Got the results and then headed back to my parents house where I promptly went to sleep for as long as I could, dreaming of food.

thankfully my mom took care of me for a few days and my dad and brother went out shopping for some things that my stomach could handle nicely (ginger ale and saltines). It had been two days since I had eaten anything of significance and while I had dreamed of food options, now after my fiasco I was dreading food in any form. (so sad).

Then the next day my super sweet fiance (heehee) came to pick me up and bring me back to our apartment. He scrubbed the tub so I could take my requisite tubs and kept checking in on me throughout the day and drove me around and made sure I was happy, giving me hugs when I Looked like a pathetic loser (often) and when it was clear my body had had enough (the whole time). He's the best, and I'm so lucky.


So I learned lots of lessons, and had some rough patches and mostly was able to have a polyp removed that should not have been there.(she said it was much larger than expected for my age), and now have a better gauge of what to expect, how to handle it and not to sweat the small stuff. Oh,, and don't look at that IV!:)

oy..