Reason, Season or Lifetime

Do you know that quote "People come into our lives for a Reason, Season or Lifetime"?
Well I'm finding it especially poignant these days. I wish often that I could find the friends that are there for a Lifetime, and move them all to Buffalo and just go on rocking my life instead of constantly trying to push myself through the friendships that are for a reason or season.


Perhaps for some people friendship is something that is fluid or ever-changing so to gain a new friend or to lose an old friend is just part of the world that they live in.



I often wish I could be that way, that I could know there is a timestamp for when we're going to be friends, and when we're not. I understand that some friendships only work when your living across the dorm-hall from the other person, and some only work when your in the same town. But I feel like either of those would work if both parties truly made the effort to maintain it.

Which I suspect is the reason my feelings get hurt so easily. Because I try very hard to support and be there for my friends and family and call and check in or email or text or something to let you know I care. I try hard even when even the trying forces me to worry or stress or be anxious about the person. I keep trying until there is nothing left of me and then eventually I give up.

The thing that hurts my feelings it sadly, not that those who I care about don't appreciate my efforts because that is frankly just who I am and I could guarantee that if they could choose they wouldn't want me to be anxious or stressed on their behalf (me neither!), the thing that hurts my feelings is when I finally run out of myself and I stop trying or giving or losing, and it dies.

It dies because the other person doesn't care enough to hold up their side. They don't see me as that important in their life or value our friendship enough to make the effort.They don't want to maintain that friendship when we don't live across the hall or on the same campus or whatever.

Now I'm not so naive to believe that my friendship is without fault and the best thing there is second only to Shamrock Shakes (;)),, And I'm not going to say that I didnt do or say something to hurt the other person's feelings. Cause I'm human and I'm mouthy sometimes and I'm opinionated so that would be totally ridiculous to believe I never hurt them.

But to not call, not text, not email and not do anything is so hurtful to me. It just shows you not only don't want a friendship but you don't even respect or value me enough as a person to communicate why you do not want one,, so I could learn, or Lord Forbid I try harder/differently?

Love

A good many years back as I was stumbling through relationships seeking companionship and intimacy on my terms only,,, I asked my friends how they defined Love. Of course not all of them were in relationships at the time, and some had never 'dated' at all!. So I was looking for some variation on the topic.

We've all read those cute emails about how an 8 year old sees love,, that love is giving someone your milk money, or holding your hand, or pushing them on the swings. Super cute.

But there is not a lot of swing-pushing when your older huh?


One of my friends described Love as "when you can't get enough of that person and you want to see them every minute of the day" (I call this obsession or lust,, and IMO that borders on sociopath and codependency,,, and if it sticks around past the first month you should look into a restraining order!).

One friend said 'Its when you want them to be happier than you want to be' (can you guess this was a female who described it like this!? Where another person's happiness is more important. (this makes me sad fyi).

So what is your definition of Love?

Here is mine...

Love is when your core values and dreams are reflected and nourished by another person. When you can be the best version of yourself, and grow into an ever better version with someone encouraging you along the way. Love is someone who's 'got your back and front!". Love is knowing that whomever needs the wheelchair first,, the other will push:) hehehee..

Happy Valentines Day Bloggies!

Dating Dealbreakers

So I have read a few articles recently about dating dealbreakers, and they amuse me to no end. So I polled a few of my colleagues and friends to ask for some ideas and there was much laughter as we noted moments of boyfriends (or dates) past. Feel free to add to the list... and of course please take note if your bf (or praytell husband) does these things... you were warned!:)

Its Valentines Day right? Love is in the air:)

oh ps... I put a break-dancer as my picture cuz they're super cool and its a breaker right?;)

In no particular order

1. Unemployed-Especially if they are not looking,,, although I suppose it could be worse if they've been looking for awhile and not found anything either.

2. Jail Time- Holy Moly if they have spent time behind bars, there was a reason.. one of which you hope to never encounter.

3. Drug Use- I'm sorry this may have been cool to some in college and maybe there are 'artists' who are all cool with this, but I don't want to plan a life with someone and hope my kids are safe while my husband/bf sells my home for drugs or has 'buyers' coming to my door. UH no.

4. Addicts- I guess this kinda goes with #3 but there are a lot of things to be addicted to a)drugs, b) sex (I guess this could start off fun but what about the 10 months your pregnant,,, where's he going to get his 'fix'?) c) betting d)food (sorry its dangerous but true.... e) cigarettes/cigars-- come on its filthy and can hurt you or your future kiddies!

5.Inappropriate early nakedness- Since we no longer live in dorms or frat houses (or rugby houses) getting undressed early on in the relationship can be a dealbreaker.To me its based on the 'dont know how to act' principle. (see below)

6. Don't know how to act- this is the guy that screams at the waitress, or flips out at the receptionist or makes lewd comments to your friends or discusses your sex life with others in your presence (ick). Same guy would scream at you louder if not more aggressively and does not respect you or those around him. Good luck getting your kids to!

7. Bad Fico Score-Yeah well as per the FreeCreditReport.com.... do you really want to live in your parents (or heaven forbid his parents) basement your whole lives.. NO WAY..

8. Relieving oneself with the door open -One of my fave submissions.. apparently this guy is so comfortable that he does his business with the door closed.. Um yeah,, that's a deal breaker I dont care who you are! hahahaha.

9. Stealing my possessions- You'd be surprised at how many people said this one. And we weren't talking about undergarments (phew!). Like 'borrowing' without the intent to return. ICK.

10. Filthy home- I know,, boys are messy but that just means you shouldn't invite me over. Either clean it up and be proud,, or we can eat out!:)

11. Excessive 'female' Friends- A few of my guy friends would contest this one,, but here is the key word EXCESSIVE. I'm not saying you cant have friends that are female.... I'm just saying that maybe if your whole crew is made up of females,, or even Ex-gf's that's future mama drama waiting to happen.

12. Possessive- If they get super jealous when you want to hang out with someone OTHER than them... Well that's just crazy. Especially in early stages of the relationship. Its one thing to 'miss you',,, its another thing to show up where your at or make you feel bad when you come back.

13. Overcommittment- Its a two way street... if girls put guys off by talking babies and marriage too soon,, it works in reverse also. We want someone to GROW with,, not to catch up on or race to meet. Let's get to know each other first before we go to Vegas Britney-style!

14. Family hates Him- This only does not apply if you NEVER EVER see your family. Or if you see them once a year at Christmas and dread that... If your not a family person then by all means discount this deal breaker! If someone makes you happy and your family who you see at Christmas only are not huge fans don't like them, take the note and make your own decision.. BUT!!! If family is even mildly important to you,,, pay attention. Because these are the people that have known you longest, cared for you most and intrinsically want you to be happy. So if they're not looking out for your best interest then who is...

15. Someone that can't handle deep conversations- Great suggestion! If you can't talk about politics or money or religion with them now... um when? Maybe not first date people, but still in the first few dates if there are 'off limits topics'... this is not going to work long term. Relationships that work are open and honest. They don't have to agree on everything they just have to be able to talk.

16. Someone who is a bad tipper or wants me to pay on all dates- Its a real question about appreciating others and the work that they do for you regardless of the way the food tasted (that would be tipping the chef they did not and will not get a cut of your tip, and no I've never been a waitress). If you have to pay your probably dating someone who breaks rule #1!!!!, so your not listening!!!

17. Someone that lies- Ohhh this is A HUGE dealbreaker. I'm not talking about the guy who says he's not getting you anything for your bday and then got you something sweet. I'm talking about the guy who lies to his friends or family while your there. HOLY MOLY....you may think your in the trust zone but your not.

18. Someone who believes Divorce is an option- Sorry but if you want to be in a long term relationship with someone.. it means LONG term... not long until the short... LONG...If they think divorce is an option for themselves then why begin at all. (again this is the deep rooted stuff!)

19. Someone that is unempathetic- This is a big one for me,, if you can't appreciate other people's pain without trying to trump them for 'how much worse your life is'...or if you can't even acknowledge someone else is hurting and be tender with their heart or soul.... Game OVER.



Alright what are yours!!!!???
D